I’ve mastered many things in my life but self love ain’t among them. For most of my life I learned to be a chameleon for my own safety and the real me got lost in the process.
Now that I’m at a place in my life where I can live out loud, I sometimes struggle with being kind to ME. Working on my manuscript has brought me face to face with my need for some good loving from myself. That can be tough but I’ve decided to be intentional about it.
To start, I’ve dusted off my dreams and interests. I’ve made some needed investments in those things that bring me joy like dystopian novels, strong coffee, time alone, motivational lectures, etc. It’s necessary.
Those of us who are called to bring light into darkness and speak truth to power must first learn to heal ourselves. We must learn to accept ourselves. We must be comfortable with loving on ourselves. We must do this in the face of the many years of programming which told us that who we are is evil and disgusting in the eyes of the creator. We must do this even when relatives and friends walk away. We must do this so that those whose lives we are called to touch can be impacted positively because our service will come from a place of healing and not a place of bitterness.
Love on yourself. It’s okay.
Love on yourself. It’s necessary.
Love on yourself until you understand that you are worthy of unconditional love just because you exist.
I love you.
Tonight I’m taking the time to read my manuscript and notes as a whole for the first time since I started editing. The words on these pages span a decade. I’m moved to tears and I’ve only just started.
I’ll be self- publishing this one. I don’t want this work to be perfect. I want it to be raw with a little polish on it. 😉
I’ve needed to break my silence on my journey for a long time. Now seems to be as good a time as any.
I’ll continue to share my thoughts here as I work on this project. I hope that by sharing my journey I can be a blessing to someone out there who is struggling to lift their voice and speak truth to power.
I’ve been wrestling with my manuscript lately….. and myself.
How does one tell their story and not care what people think? People pleasing is something I’ve struggled with for a long time but, it won’t win. It can’t win.
What good has this journey been if I’m not going to strive to make the world a better place for others like myself.
May God give me the strength to bring these words to the light.
It’s 2020 and yet people are still Hell bent on being pissed off at parents who love their child unconditionally. Dwayne Wade has accepted his daughter’s truth and people are bent out of shape.
I saw statuses and posts about it on various social media platforms today at my day job and tonight, with a malt beverage in hand, I’m going to address it.
Trans people have been here since the dawn of time. We have been in every civilization and the fact that your limited understanding of the trans experience is where it is, does not excuse the foolish arguments that find their way to the light each time a story like this is in the limelight.
It would take much more time than I have tonight to address all the stupid things people fix their mouths to say so I’ll address one. There is no LBGT agenda to destroy the black community. If half the folks who say shit like this KNEW their history, they would be ashamed. Black and brown people of LGBTQ+ experience have been on the frontlines for progress and movement building for generations. One of the most brilliant minds behind the African American Civil Rights Movement was a gay man.
We’re in your families. We’re in your churches. We’re in your communities & we’re not going ANYWHERE.
I, for one, am glad that the world can now see what unconditional love looks like. The world can see parents loving a child and just letter her be HERSELF. I can only imagine what the world would be like if more parents would choose loving their children more than their ego and programming. Maybe the number of LGBT youth who take their own lives would drastically decline. Maybe the rate of homelessness among LGBT youth would decline. Or maybe, maybe parents who love their programming more than their children wouldn’t be missing out on relationships with amazing human beings.
🤷🏾♂️ I don’t know.
But I can imagine that the next generation of LGBT youth would be better off if we could get our collective shit together and educate ourselves.
p.s. Don’t blame your bigotry on God. They made LGBT folks and have no issues with us living in our truth.
I’ve done it folks. I’ve committed to a mostly plant based diet and I’m still here to talk about it! What’s also great is, I’ve lost about 12 pounds since my last visit with my doctor. I’m nowhere near my goal weight but I’m glad to not be where I was. Here’s a summary of the journey so far:
We’re part of the way through February and I’ve been doing my best to eat well. There have been some slip-ups that I’m not proud of but, overall, I’ve managed to make a lot of good dietary decisions. For the most part, I’ve been eating a lot of vegetables and nuts. This is in keeping with the information I was given when I spoke with a dietitian at the time of my diagnosis. My energy levels have been a bit low so I think I need more calories than I’ve been consuming.
To accomplish this need for more calories, I was intentional and actually meal prepped this week. At the heart of the meal prep is red cabbage. Red cabbage is a delicious and filling way to get in a nutritious food item that pairs well with a lot of other things. I’ll be consuming a lot of green veggies and beans alongside it and hopefully, I’ll have the energy I am looking for.
I won’t stop until I’m no longer on medication to help manage the diabetes. I won’t stop until I’m ripped enough to compete in a bodybuilding competition. I owe me and it’s time to pay up!
Over the last few years there has been a LOT of change in my life. I’ve moved across the country, married the love of my life, walked with my love through a cancer battle, changed jobs/ careers….. and much more.
Lately I’ve been feeling exhausted. Anxiety and depression have been trying to have their way with me. I’ve been fighting the urge to just settle into a dead end job and stop trying so hard. I was having a really low moment today and so I took a cleansing salt bath and reflected on why I chose this path in the 1st place. It took a few minutes but I found my why again and took the time to look at how far I’ve come on this journey. I looked at the lesson in every experience and concluded that the journey so far has been worth it.
I am the man that I am today because I decided a long time ago not to live a scared lie anymore. Sure, I lost people and community that I’d spent years building. I’ve had a good bit of money and I’ve been broke to the point of homelessness and hunger. I’ve cried myself to sleep many nights and there was a time when the only comfort I could find was in a bottle because I had bought into a theology which said that God rejected me for living honestly. This pain is not pain that I would wish on anyone. I cannot pretend that it has not hurt because it has BUT I get to choose what I do with the pain. I get to choose to push past the pain so that others won’t have to endure what I have. I choose to use the pain as fuel for my purpose.
I choose life.
I choose love.
I choose me.
Your lived experience is valid.
You are worthy of love.
You are under no obligation to apologize for who you are.
I love you.