Love on YOU.

I’ve mastered many things in my life but self love ain’t among them. For most of my life I learned to be a chameleon for my own safety and the real me got lost in the process.

Now that I’m at a place in my life where I can live out loud, I sometimes struggle with being kind to ME. Working on my manuscript has brought me face to face with my need for some good loving from myself. That can be tough but I’ve decided to be intentional about it.

To start, I’ve dusted off my dreams and interests. I’ve made some needed investments in those things that bring me joy like dystopian novels, strong coffee, time alone, motivational lectures, etc. It’s necessary.

Why?

Those of us who are called to bring light into darkness and speak truth to power must first learn to heal ourselves. We must learn to accept ourselves. We must be comfortable with loving on ourselves. We must do this in the face of the many years of programming which told us that who we are is evil and disgusting in the eyes of the creator. We must do this even when relatives and friends walk away. We must do this so that those whose lives we are called to touch can be impacted positively because our service will come from a place of healing and not a place of bitterness.

Love on yourself. It’s okay.

Love on yourself. It’s necessary.

Love on yourself until you understand that you are worthy of unconditional love just because you exist.

I love you.

-Bash

Reading

Tonight I’m taking the time to read my manuscript and notes as a whole for the first time since I started editing. The words on these pages span a decade. I’m moved to tears and I’ve only just started.

I’ll be self- publishing this one. I don’t want this work to be perfect. I want it to be raw with a little polish on it. 😉

I’ve needed to break my silence on my journey for a long time. Now seems to be as good a time as any.

I’ll continue to share my thoughts here as I work on this project. I hope that by sharing my journey I can be a blessing to someone out there who is struggling to lift their voice and speak truth to power.

Writing

I’ve been wrestling with my manuscript lately….. and myself.

How does one tell their story and not care what people think? People pleasing is something I’ve struggled with for a long time but, it won’t win. It can’t win.

What good has this journey been if I’m not going to strive to make the world a better place for others like myself.

May God give me the strength to bring these words to the light.

God

Since the dawn of time, mankind has been on a quest to figure out where it all started. Where do we come from? Is there a supreme being out there who governs our behavior?

This quest has resulted in a beautiful array of religions throughout the world. Humanity has managed to look out into the world that surrounds us and identify the divine. Personally, I find this to be fascinating and beautiful. There are, however, those who would disagree.

The human ego has caused many of us “I was once guilty of this myself” to assume that the way in which the divine presents itself to us is the only valid path. Wars have been and still are being fought over this. People are losing their lives over this. For what though?

Perhaps we would be better served by seeing the divine in others.

Darkness…

Darkness.

It calls me.

For years, I’ve made multiple failed attempts at ignoring it’s call. I’ve followed path after path away only to, one day, end up drawn back to darkness.

It’s not that I like the intensity of the suffering or the loud silence of the isolation. No.

I take no pleasure in moments where it like a jealous lover, whispers my name. It caresses my scars and calls me by name.

It, after giving me the strength to make my escape, beckons me to return. Begs me to return.

This darkness begs to be thrust into the light. It’s tired of the shadows and corners in which we hid it so…. I oblige it.

I present darkness in hope that it’s shadows will bring light. In hope that the hearts of it’s observed are pricked….. that they are compelled to extraordinary empathy.

I present darkness so that formal and well-educated minds can see that which our program prohibits.

I present darkness and I pray that I’m not remembered only for my light.