Confession: I’ve been working on a book for about 10 years. I’ve scrapped manuscript after manuscript because I wasn’t quite articulating things in a way that I felt good about.
Sure, the words were hitting the pages but something was missing.
Today, as I was getting ready for work it hit me.
I was writing from a place of raw pain. I had not taken the time to heal.
To be honest, I didn’t know how to heal. I mean. How does one heal?
I had no idea so I’ve sort of wandered around in the wilderness of life for the past decade or so, facing the ugly process of healing.
And, to be clear, healing is an ugly process. It’s not all light and love and butterflies and rainbows.
Healing is messy.
So…. Now that I’m more healed now that I ever have been (Healing is an ongoing process). I am taking the time to see if a book is really what I want to put out into the world or if I want to tell my story through a different vehicle.
Time will tell. For now, I’ll stick to blogging and resume my creative writing journey while reflecting on the many things I’ve written over the years.
I don’t know what’s next but whatever it is will be something that honors my past and the lessons that have come from those experiences.
Thank you for stopping by.
Sending love and light.
I am. It’s a complete sentence and a complicated one.
I exist at many intersections of identity. Some of them clash at times.
These clashes make them no less valid.
I am complicated.
I am gentle and intense.
I am fire and water.
I am so many things.
I once hated this reality. I wanted to hide the parts of me I perceived to be undesirable.
With time and experience came a change.
I spend years wanting those around me to celebrate me.
I betrayed myself for the approval of others.
Now I love ME completely.
If someone asks me who my biggest fan is, I won’t look around for anyone else to point out because well….
Sometimes I hate when God uses late night hours to speak to me.
I haven’t had a good night of sleep in a couple months. I hear the call. I feel the push.
I gotta do it.
Maybe then God and my ancestors will let me sleep.
Police brutality must be stopped in this country. We must stand up. We all have an obligation to do our part.
Moving forward, I am dedicating this platform to seeking equality and justice for black people in the USA. I will remain dedicated to this purpose until meaningful change comes and beyond.
#blacklivesmatter #nojusticenopeace #justice #revolutions #blacktranslivesmatter
For this coming week, I’m going to reassess my worth. Presently, even while working a job that’s paying me the most money I’ve made in my adult life I’m still making far less annually than I should for a person with my education and experience. This is something I’ve accepted for far too long.
I owe it to myself to not accept less than what I should be making. I owe it to myself to stop letting “bonus potential” convince me to take jobs making far less than I should be. I should be able to afford to live in a great neighborhood. I should be able to pay all of my household bills on my income alone. Moving forward, I’m holding myself to that standard. I’ll be dedicating the next 5 calendar days to solidifying what that should look like and my plan for getting there.
I’ve had enough. I deserve better from myself. My wife deserves better from me. I will realize my potential.
Today I quit my job to do something important. It was terrifying. It was exhilarating. It was necessary. I still have one shift to go but I did it. I seized an unexpected opportunity and decided to say yes to an adventure.
I’m happy to be leaving the world of B2B sales behind. I won’t miss this job. I have to be honest with myself about that one. I have given it a shot and am okay with admitting that it’s just not a good fit for me. There’s no shame in that.
As a recovering codependent, I’m happy that I chose to do this. It’s the first time since I started this journey of recovery that I’m making a major shift. I aim for it to not be my last.
I’m grateful to the source of all for this opportunity to grow. My faith increases with each passing day. I’m not a mistake. My trans experience is a gift from on high. I choose alignment with purpose. I choose to bet on the god in me.
I love you.
Today’s thought is simple. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR NOT LIVING THE LIFE YOU DESIRE.
It’s a hard truth but sometimes we come up with an abundance of excuses for remaining in a rut. Having excuses gets us off the hook for any responsibility we have for changing our lives. We sell ourselves short when we do this. Let’s stop it TODAY.
I love you.
Tonight I’m taking the time to read my manuscript and notes as a whole for the first time since I started editing. The words on these pages span a decade. I’m moved to tears and I’ve only just started.
I’ll be self- publishing this one. I don’t want this work to be perfect. I want it to be raw with a little polish on it. 😉
I’ve needed to break my silence on my journey for a long time. Now seems to be as good a time as any.
I’ll continue to share my thoughts here as I work on this project. I hope that by sharing my journey I can be a blessing to someone out there who is struggling to lift their voice and speak truth to power.
I’ve been wrestling with my manuscript lately….. and myself.
How does one tell their story and not care what people think? People pleasing is something I’ve struggled with for a long time but, it won’t win. It can’t win.
What good has this journey been if I’m not going to strive to make the world a better place for others like myself.
May God give me the strength to bring these words to the light.