I Am

I am. It’s a complete sentence and a complicated one.

I exist at many intersections of identity. Some of them clash at times.

These clashes make them no less valid.

I am complicated.

I am gentle and intense.

I am fire and water.

I am so many things.

I once hated this reality. I wanted to hide the parts of me I perceived to be undesirable.

With time and experience came a change.

I spend years wanting those around me to celebrate me.

I betrayed myself for the approval of others.

Now I love ME completely.

If someone asks me who my biggest fan is, I won’t look around for anyone else to point out because well….

I am.

Reflections

As I sit here tonight, I am reminded of my intense love of philosophy. I was liberated from the prison of self-hate as a result of my relationship with philosophy.

I’ve learned that philosophy is more than reading the historical writings of great minds. This is part of it but, when one tries to live out philosophical concepts, we become face to face with our limitations. We come face to face with our programming and all of those things that make us who we are.

I’ve been reading a lot of Plato and listening to a lot of Cornel West lately and I feel a greater degree of awakening happening with me at my core. I feel challenged to share the journey of growth via the kind of wrestling that philosophical study leads to. It is a painful wrestling that lasts for as long as one is engaged.

I’m not really sure how to bring this to you, the reader, in a neat little package so…. I’ll simply share it in the only way I know how. Be aware my friends, it’s going to get messy. It has to.

Thanks for stopping by.

I love you.

~Bash

Water & Lemon

This week, I have a confession to make. I’ve been on partaking in sweet tea, soda, & other beverages which I have no business drinking. I’ve been doing very well with my food choices but I need to get my behavior around everything I’m taking into my body in order.

For that reason, I’m giving up the bad stuff and moving toward water and water with lemon for the majority of my liquid intake. The last time I lost a lot of weight, this was part of my methodology.

Notice, I said mostly. I will be ingesting things like smoothies with almond or oat milk as a base, hot tea with no sweetener, pre-workout, coffee with a splash of cream (non-dairy) and ACV. These things are a part of my daily routine as I increase my activity levels and engage in strength and resistance training.

Today is Monday and I will check in this weekend with results. For context, I am currently on a low carb eating plan. For the most part, I eat fruit, veggies, and either lean meat or plant based “meat”. I am doing this because I am, in addition to working to achieve weight loss, working to reverse my Type 2 diabetes. I’m not tracking my weight right now. I’ll get weighed at my next appointment at the end of the month. Instead, I’m watching how my clothing fits and whether or not I deal with inflammation on a daily basis.

*I am not a medical professional, I am merely documenting my personal journey with Diabetes Type 2*

Day 21: Silence

Silence is amazing. It gives me space to sift through my thoughts. It grounds me.

I find that by intentionally seeking out quiet moments, I am able to lead a more thoughtful life. I am able to not have knee-jerk reactions to life as it comes at me.

Take 5 minutes each day to sit in silence. Close your eyes. Breathe slowly and deeply. It may change your life.

I love you.

~Bash

Day 18: Knowing Your Value

For this coming week, I’m going to reassess my worth. Presently, even while working a job that’s paying me the most money I’ve made in my adult life I’m still making far less annually than I should for a person with my education and experience. This is something I’ve accepted for far too long.

I owe it to myself to not accept less than what I should be making. I owe it to myself to stop letting “bonus potential” convince me to take jobs making far less than I should be. I should be able to afford to live in a great neighborhood. I should be able to pay all of my household bills on my income alone. Moving forward, I’m holding myself to that standard. I’ll be dedicating the next 5 calendar days to solidifying what that should look like and my plan for getting there.

I’ve had enough. I deserve better from myself. My wife deserves better from me. I will realize my potential.

Day 15: I Love Bamboo

One of my challenges to myself has been to eat healthier. Working from home has made this a bit more challenging because of the temptation to snack while working. I’m a big guy and I love snacks….. Just being honest.

Yesterday I decided to make some tuna salad to have lunch for the next few days. The recipe was as follows:

3 4oz cans tuna in water (drained) , 6 hard boiled eggs chopped, 2 tsp. olive oil, 3 tablespoons mayo, 2 tablespoons pickled yellow peppers, dash of pink Himalayan salt, a dash of black pepper, 1 10.5 oz can of bamboo shoot strips.

I absolutely love how it turned out because the bamboo added a nice crunch while taking on the flavor of the rest of the dish. I’ll be able to eat off of this at least until lunch tomorrow which is exciting. There are not a lot of calories in this so I’m not worried about gaining weight and the bamboo made my food a lot more filling so I’m not hungry after a meal.

This new relationship with bamboo is off to a good start. I’ll let y’all know what’s next.

I love you.

~Bash

Day 13: Healing

Healing can be painful. This weekend I’ve taken time to revisit old wounds with the intent of healing them.

There are things I wish I could undo. There are events I wish never happened. There are things that were beat into me that I now have to unlearn.

One day at a time family. One day at a time.

I love you.

~Bash

Day 9: I Quit My Job

Today I quit my job to do something important. It was terrifying. It was exhilarating. It was necessary. I still have one shift to go but I did it. I seized an unexpected opportunity and decided to say yes to an adventure.

I’m happy to be leaving the world of B2B sales behind. I won’t miss this job. I have to be honest with myself about that one. I have given it a shot and am okay with admitting that it’s just not a good fit for me. There’s no shame in that.

As a recovering codependent, I’m happy that I chose to do this. It’s the first time since I started this journey of recovery that I’m making a major shift. I aim for it to not be my last.

I’m grateful to the source of all for this opportunity to grow. My faith increases with each passing day. I’m not a mistake. My trans experience is a gift from on high. I choose alignment with purpose. I choose to bet on the god in me.

I love you.

~Bash

Day 8: No More Excuses

Today’s thought is simple. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR NOT LIVING THE LIFE YOU DESIRE.

It’s a hard truth but sometimes we come up with an abundance of excuses for remaining in a rut. Having excuses gets us off the hook for any responsibility we have for changing our lives. We sell ourselves short when we do this. Let’s stop it TODAY.

I love you.

~Bash