Having low self-esteem is something that I’ve wrestled with for a lot of my life. It started in my childhood when I’d be given little reminders that any full expressions of who I am weren’t good enough. This messaging, given to me be well-meaning people, was detrimental because I internalized it. I learned to believe that the best way to flow through life was to fit it. I tried over and over with no success. This was difficult for me until I learned a valuable lesson.
Who I am is enough.
This was a positive lesson but a painful one. It contradicted many things I believed to be true since childhood. It was difficult to digest but I’m so very glad I’ve learned it. I’ve learned to live and love out loud without apology. I’ve learned that God knew who I was when my creation was on the table.
I’m ending 2019 with a full heart and a clear head. Gone are the days when I shrink for the comfort of others. Gone are the days when I carry the baggage of other peoples opinions. Gone are the days where I apologize for being me.
I’m ending 2019 free. I want to be clear though. The old cliche is true. Freedom ain’t free. You gotta fight for it. You gotta be willing to let people walk out of your life for it.
As we end 2019, I choose me. My gift to myself this Christmas is the experience of being FREE! (Above is a photo collage of my personal transformation as I made the choice to shave my head. Spiritually it symbolizes 3 things. (1) A fresh start. (2) The shedding of anything that is not aligned with my soul’s path. (3) Rebirth.)
For quite some time, I lost my drive to explore new things. I became uptight and stern. Laughter rarely escaped my lips. I was a 20- something old man. It was exhausting.
At 30, I’ve decided to change that. I’m giving myself to explore now that I’ve experienced a rebirth into my authenticity. This exploration is exciting. I’m being exposed to many new things. I’m tasting life for the 1st time in a long time & it’s wonderful.
I’m learning that it’s okay to walk away from things that no longer speak to my spirit. I’m learning that I don’t have to have everything figured out. That’s unnerving and exciting.
Yesterday I stumbled upon coding. I was rushed back to my time at computer camp in my youth. I enjoyed computer camp but didn’t want to just be known for being smart so I didn’t pursue it. In the last 20+ hours I’ve discovered that learning coding language is something I desire. I’ve also decided not to talk myself out of it.
Here goes. In the past, I’ve been guilty of not letting myself do things that make me feel joy and excitement. That ends now.
#ftm #transman #healing #exploration #tech #coding #lgbtintech #STEM
Today I decided that I need a STEM skill ASAP. I’m a husband and entrepreneur and I don’t want to be tied to an office for the rest of my life. I desire freedom in my time and finances. So….. I’ve decided to learn how to code. I’m not sure what will come of it but, I’m giving myself a short time to learn this skills. 2020 will be a year of abundance for me and mine.
Having said that, I had to find a way to learn coding that won’t require too much out of pocket. In my searching on the internet, I came across Career Karma. It’s an app that helps you decide on a career area in tech and helps prepare you for success by helping you plan your study time and keeping you accountable. You’re matched with a coach and everything.
I’m amazed by what I’ve learned so far and this is just day one! I’ll be posting about this journey here because I believe that coding is a valuable skill that can yield a great return. Let’s see if I’m right.
Until next time,
It’s refreshing to see people speaking openly about seeing a therapist. Listen…. the right therapist will walk you through the healing process. I’m learning that right now.
Why does one need a person to walk them through healing?
There are a number of reasons but the one I’ll highlight tonight is this: Healing can be turbulent and painful. It can require revisiting things your mind buried for survival. It can send you to places that you cannot handle alone
Healing can have you facing demons and wanting to retreat into yourself and never return. It can send you to the edges of darkness as you fight to bring light into your world.
Healing is a process & it takes WORK. A good therapist can help you to make that work a bit more manageable.
In this thing called life, we’re often putting focus on productivity at the expense of our health. This is NOT HEALTHY. We should, if possible, strive to find time to just relax and chill. It’s important.
I’m thinking of Moses tonight.
I’m thinking of how he had to go back and get his people.
Many are still bound by toxic theology.
Many are still bound by self-hate rooted in indoctrination.
I look to the story of Moses, among others, for guidance in this season.